xenodike: (come closer boy 2)
So Ginger Beer is the devil. It tastes like soda but it's not, it's alcohol. Apparently I love ginger beer, which I drink like it's soda. Not smart Xenodike, not smart.

Logging into LJ this morning I read more comments and post about people leaving and not leaving and their hearts breaking because of it. It is heartbreaking, especially for those of us who have been there a long time and remember what vibrant, active community it was before the more fast paced social media took over fandom.

Writing this from my new Dreamwidth account, and spending time on this platform for a few day's now (still waiting for my imports) I'm feeling nostalgic. The layout, they way I used to customize my journal look. I logged in to my old photobucket because DW doesn't have scrapbooks and albums and found all my old icons, old banners and headers for custom styles I once had.

These one's are by [livejournal.com profile] amavel_bel

 photo spangel_glamour_fo.jpg

friends only banner photo spangel_comecloser_fo.jpg

friends only banner photo amavel-belbelonging.jpg

I wonder what happened to her, she faded away from LJ around 2009. I hope she's out there, in some other fandom being awesome. Either way, she made great Spike/Angel custom LJ layouts and I used a lot of hers.

[livejournal.com profile] katekat1010 did this one:

katekat1010 green banner photo katekatbanner.jpg

She also did this:

shattered banner photo shatteredbanner.jpg

She made it for one of the first spangel stories I wrote that wasn't just smut. I was really proud of that story when I posted it, it had multiple chapters and a plot, it's crap but back then I was proud. This was way back when my "authors notes" wen't a little like this:

"A/N: I would like to point out that this story was written based on very little facts. I’ve done very little research so any “facts” in this story is most likely incorrect."

No research!? LOL Aw, the sweet innocence of 2006, being 24 years old and thinking you were too busy to do research... while working part time LOL.

[livejournal.com profile] vamptastica did these:

 photo spike-faces-banner.jpg

 photo x-masvamptastica1.jpg

And this colorbar... damn, I was a lot kinkier in the spangel fandom than I am these days....

 photo vamptastica1.png

I'm getting more and more convinced that I'm going to have to leave LJ. I had to change all my passwords the other night, because someone hacked my "real life" Instagram, the person who tried to steal my account came from Russian e-mail. Obviously that's probably just a big coincidence, but logging out of LJ and then coming to the front page of LJ it was all Russian. All of it. It looked the front page of an Russian online newspaper. Not the open, welcoming, international blogging platform it was twelve years ago when I signed up.

It's not LJ anymore, I can feel it now while spending time on DW, it's not LJ like it was. It makes me a little sad but more of all it reminds me what LJ was. It was vibrant and lively, open, friendly and welcoming. It's a place were most of us found close friends, people like me discovering that we were capable of creativity we didn't know we had. But, LJ has always been a platform for the people using it. And if that platform stops serving our needs, the fuck it, we'll move.

What ever anyone decided to do, I think we all need to remember that WE made LJ what it was. Not the other way around. I've loved LJ for over a decade, it's been home away from home, someplace I've felt safe to express parts of me I don't in "real life". But LJ was never the soul or the spirit of our fandom life, it was a house. But, if the house is getting rotten, we'll just relocate, that's all.
xenodike: Purple Xenodike (Default)
Isn't it weird that even when you love to do something you end up procrastinating?

I love writing; I love the buzz in my head from all the people and plots that swirl around in there, bouncing off the inside of my skull. Sometimes it feels so busy it's like I can't concentrate on anything else. When I was younger and in school my teacher always saw me as the daydreaming type. They'd be kind about it, during parent teacher conferences they'd mention that I was always looking out through a window, far away in my own head. Of course they thought I was dreaming about the hot, popular guy in the class above me. In reality, I was playing out stories about how Lestat and Louis or Daniel and Armand from Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles was living happily ever after. But it was easier to pretend to be embarrassed then say that I was making up gay romances in my head.

This was in High School, so a good 7-8 years before I found fandom and started putting all stories down on paper, I thought it was just me, LOL!

It's strange though, when you like to do something so much and you still drag out on actually doing it. Although, maybe like isn't the right word exactly. I remember when I started writing fan fiction, back then I enjoyed it. I'd scribble down two-three thousand words and then post, no editing, no beta, barely a spell check. The quality reflected the work I put into them, but I had a lot of fun.

Something changed. I mean, obviously writing is something that always grows and changes alongside with you as a person. It's something that develops and hopefully constantly improves, especially here in fandom where encouragement and feedback is so available. I certainly hope my skill has improved over the years. Even with my own overly critical eyes I think there's a mile wide difference between my first story and my last one. But I always want my next story to be better than the last, the characters more well developed and three dimensional. The bad guy's less like Disney villains and more like people, the world more tangible. I want the grammar to be better, the spelling mistakes fewer and the vocabulary more developed. I have no delusions of ever becoming a "Great Author" I'm content writing fluffy, cute stories that probably will never be good enough to become "real books" because it makes me happy, but I still want every new story to be better than the last.

But again, something has changed. It's not fun anymore, don't get me wrong, I enjoy it but it's not a hobby anymore, it's something I need to do. It's like an itch, I feel alone, empty when I'm not working on a story, when my head is quiet. My last two stories the characters have felt so vivid, so alive sometimes I've felt like I have to rein them in to fit inside the J2 AU world I created for them. To fit the fandom characters I wanted them to be a version of.

Now I'm sitting here with a new plot and new characters bouncing around in my head and I can't see J2 or any other fandom in them, they're just mine. [livejournal.com profile] trendykitty has been telling me since "Fucking Kodiak, Alaska" that I should write an original story, but I've not had the confidence. I still don't. I have a hard time believing I can write a story people would want to read without a fandom and established characters to work with.

But, it seems these new characters swirling around in my head isn't giving me a choice. They're jumping around in my brain telling me who they are and even if I tried there's no way I can turn them into a J2 version. So, I guess I'm trying my hand on an original story.

I don't know if it'll actually become a story, but I'm putting it out here now, so that if someone asks what I'm working on now, I won't chicken out, lie and say a new J2. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it if I actually manage to turn it into a real story. Hell it might end up as fan fiction anyway, but I guess I'm going to try to write a story that's all mine, start to finish.

I guess whatever happens, it will at least be interesting.

PS. No, this doesn't mean I'm leaving fandom or that I've stopped writing in fandom. It only means I'm trying something new but I'm not going anywhere.

xenodike: Purple Xenodike (Default)
Ugh... you guys remember back in what... 2007? There was some big LJ crisis and everyone was threatening to leave. I know I crated a Dreamwidth account back then but apparently it was gone, so I made a new one. Let's see how long it takes to import 12 years worth of posts.

I made a new Xen_fic over here as well. Importing the posts right now.

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic sitting here writing this on the Dreamwidth page, it's so retro LJ, the way it was back in the day's.

I'm not moving, yet. I'm conflicted about this, because even though my presences on LJ is sporadic at best these day's it's been my fandom home since 2005. A part of me feels it's time to move, that LJ has sold out it's core audience. But another part of me feels that if they want me out, they're going o have to kick me out. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I won't move.

Then again, the whole point of LJ was always about being someplace you could feel free to express yourself, post exactly what you felt and thought and loved.

I don't know.

I'm not getting a paid account yet, we'll see what happens.

Anyway, both this journal and my fanfic journal is the same here on DW as it is on LJ. I'm keeping them both public for now. Feel free to add me if you want to.


xenodike: Purple Xenodike (Default)

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